Learning to Say “No”

photo courtesy of Miss Heidi B.

Have you ever said “yes” to something that you didn’t want to do? Were you worried that the other person would hate you if you said “no”? Did you stop and ask yourself whether this new request was really worth your time? Most of us have a limited amount of time on any given day, so we should carefully conserve our time instead of giving it away until we have none. We (myself included) are too willing to say “yes” when we need to get better at saying “no.”

Saying “Yes”

Let’s start with saying “yes.” This is not a post about saying “no” to everything. It’s really a post about saying “yes” to the things that really matter. So if you decide that something is worth your time, then by all means, say “yes” and commit to doing it.

What sorts of commitments are worth it? Everybody is different in this area, but I start by thinking about people that really matter to me. For example, when my mom asks me to help her with something, I help her. It’s because I’ve made the decision that helping my mom is important to me. So “family” goes in my “yes” category. Some people might not think that their family is that important, so then you have to adjust accordingly.

Another important category for me is “song writing.” I enjoy writing songs, so if I have a chance to write or play music with someone, I always say “yes.” Maybe you don’t care much for music, but find out what your passions are and mentally prepare yourself for accepting an opportunity to pursue those passions.

The point is: figure out which commitments are really worth your time, that way you won’t hesitate to say “yes” to them – you’ll be ready.

Saying “No”

So how do we say “no” effectively? If you’re used to saying “yes” to everything, then learning to say “no” can be a huge challenge. Here’s some pointers.

Start Small

As with all change, starting small is easier than jumping into the fire. Start with saying “no” to people and commitments that aren’t really that important to you. Obviously, if they’re on the bottom of the stack of things that aren’t important anyways, you should have no trouble with this. For example, if a co-worker asks you to join a work softball team, and frankly, you don’t want to, just say “no.” Saying “no” to commitments and people that aren’t that important to you can be a good stepping stone to saying “no” to bigger-yet-still-unnecessary commitments.

Saying “no” through email is also a lot easier than in person. So if you’re shy, then maybe a quick email is the best way to decline an offer. Of course, more important requests should be given the courtesy of a phone call or a face-to-face meeting, but email is good for the small stuff.

But what if someone important to you asks you for something small that you don’t want to do? This is tricky because you want to say “no,” but the identity of the person makes you more inclined to say “yes.” You have to balance the importance of the person with the task.

I don’t really have a good answer for how to deal with this situation, but saying “yes” or “no” shouldn’t be a big deal either way, and here’s why:

• “Yes” : If you’re doing something for someone you care about, then saying “yes” isn’t a big deal. Sure, I’d like to live a life where everything I do is meaningful and important, but we know that doesn’t always work out. Lawns need to get mowed, and bathrooms need to be cleaned. Filtering is a good idea, but realistically, some unimportant stuff will make it into our lives. And if it’s going to be there anyways, we might as well be doing it for people that we care about.
• “No” : On the other hand, if the person is really important to you, then saying “no” to something unimportant shouldn’t really affect your relationship. If it does, then you might need to rethink the nature of your relationship with him or her.

Don’t Delay

It’s a lot easier to say “no” to a potential commitment if you decline early. That way, the other person has time to find someone else to do it, and you don’t have to go about your day thinking about how to say “no.” You’ll be done quicker, and you can move on to bigger and more important things.

If you know right away that you’re not interested in doing something or that the request isn’t that important, then say “no” on the spot. Get it over with. If you need some time to think about it, then tell the person that you’ll get back to him or her by a specific date. That way, you set up a deadline for yourself, and the other person knows when you’ll reply. Set the deadline on the spot, so you won’t drag your feet about having to make that follow-up conversation.

Be Honest

Being sincere in saying “no” can go a long way. If you really wanted to take on that commitment, but you’re worried about doing an adequate job given everything else on your plate, then say that. People will respect that you only want to do your best work.

If you’re really not interested in something, then it’s okay to say that too. Making up an excuse can be a bad idea if the other person is willing to work around your schedule. Then you’re stuck either having to say “yes” to something that you don’t want to do or making up another excuse. Multiple excuses in a row are easy to spot. The other person will see through your excuses, which can hurt your credibility.

Be frank, but don’t be mean. Just because something isn’t important to you doesn’t mean that it’s not worth someone else’s time. Don’t be a jerk about it. Be courteous and take the time to quickly explain why you’re saying “no.” A little courtesy and respect is always appreciated.

And remember, sometimes saying “no” is going to be hard no matter how well you prepare. But it’s the bad tasting medicine for opening up our calendars for the things that we love. We might hate the experience, but later we’re glad that we did it. Would you rather live a life where you have the time to pursue the things you love or a life where meaningless tasks overwhelm your day-to-day existence?